2004-04-26 at 10:36 p.m.
Right now I wish I could have one of those entries where you close your eyes and just let our brain flow out through your fingertops, but my brain is having a block and I don't know how to dislodge this crap.
Life changes so much from one day to the next and I don't like that. I like to see what lies ahead of me and I don't like havng to walk into a situation blindfolded and insecure. Just be flat out and honest with me and I will be okay once I work throu7gh things on my own.
Does this make sense to any of you? Like.. if you want your spcae, I just have to undertand tha. If you feel like you can't talk to me and tell me things from your heart, then don't, but don't let me find them out another way.... and make me hurt like I shouldn't have trusted you. Trust is my weakest enemy. My life really revolves around it and if I can't trust you, then I can not like you.
Trust is more important to me than any other guideline to a friendship or relationship. I don't want to love you and I don't want to like you if I can not trust you. Without thrust there is truly nothing. I've said this once and I will say it time and time again. DOn't waste my time if you are going to try to decieve me at any point in the time that I am going to know you.
This feels good to allow my fingers to pullll the words out of my head and spread them over this white screen. I knw that my typing probably looks like horsseshit but I swear to you it feels good to be able to do this. You should all have an entry like this. Close your eyes and let your fingers flow. You might be surprised with what you come up with and your spelling might not be as bad as you think it is going to be. The same goes for your yping. My fingers aer flying so fast I don't even tthink about what letter my fingers are going to,t hey just know the way and they finish on the letters before the owrds finish in my head. I guess it's from all these years of playing on this stupid box that sometimes it works to your benegit and sometims it just fuck fucks you up.
I'v been thinking alot lately mostly about Carla and about Clare. Probably because these two people have been recent conversations that I have had with people or things that have been on my mind.
I'm not mad at Clare. I never was mad at her for breaking up with me. I was mad at her for the way she did it. Her and I have talked about this on chat and in person but I just don't think that she fully believes me when I say that I am not mad at her. I try so hard to be her friend and I listen to what she has to tell me with an o[pen midn even when it's about Kristin like things always ar. I'm sorry that Clare is hurting and I'm sorry that things had to go the way they did for hr. I don't know what to say to her or to myself about this, because people don't like to hear that maybe things happen for a reason bevcause that's not a good enough excuse for the pain that these things have caused us, right CLare? I love that hse feels like she can confide in me, I truly do. At one point in time, I felt that we could never even regain a frienship and we have been able to do that.. to some extent. I try my best to hlp her through things that are going on for her and I try my best not to byurden her with my feelings or concerns that are going on in my life right now. I know she has enough on her table and she did not set herself up to feel the pain that she is feeling, but I did. I amde the ecision to give birth and five that baby to people I don't know. THis is my fault, not Clare's adnd she deserves my uninterupted attention when she needs me.
Sometimes my mind wanders and cmpares her feelings that she tells me to what's going on in my life, too. Some of the feelings he experiences are exactly the same as ones that I experience but for total different reasons and int otal different situations. SOme I can compare to my relatiosnship with her and how it ended and others I can compare to Hiccup and my tiem with him and my end with him. I love that little baby.
Thn Carla.. Gosh, I can't even fidn words to explain this situation with her. I shouldn't have felt so hurt by the things she said in her journal and I tried not to let them get to me, but my heart overpowered my brain that time. It is inevitable, some things just happen this way whether you like it or not and I do NOT like it. I want her to be happy but why couldn't she share her happiness with me when I was sharing my every thought and concern with her? I shared all the ups and downs with my surrogate journey with her. She knew how I felt sometimes before I did.. she knew when my heart was breakig for that little boy. I trusted her with my feelings like I thought she trusted me with hers, but I was wrong. I don't know what part of all this hurts the worst. The lies or the differenc in feelings towards each other.
Maybe it's the feeling that I don't know her as well as I thought I did and she doesn't knoe me as well as I thought she did, either. Sometiems people just go their own ways and that is obviously what happened her. That's okay, it truly is.
It's important to me that she is happy. It's important to me that Clare is happy, too.
RObin makes me happy. Sometiems I wonder if Clare remembers who he is, this mystery man who has made my life so happy. Vanman669 from iwannatalk. He's the only person from those days that I chat with every day. He has been there for me every day, through thick and thin. He held me up those days after I gave Hiccup up. I wouldn't have made it through those days as smoothly as I did without him.
I love Robin.. probably more than I've ever loved anyone on the internet. I love him so much because before all else, he is my friend. Things developed from friendship and continue to develop from it. If I were to stop loving RObin or Robin would stop loving me, we would still be best friends in the most sincere way.
His voice makes my heart smile. No matter what kind of mood I am in or what is on my mind, the second I hear his voice, all those feelings are gone and all can focus on is just how amazing of a man and a friend he is.
Such is life. Life is such.