2004-08-22 at 12:25 a.m.
I came upon this starting realization this evening.
Surrogacy ruined my life.
It has taken away my every wish, my every desire, my every thought and my every need. Anytime it's my turn to wish, I wish for Hiccup. Anytime I ask myself my deepest desire, the answer is Hiccup. Anytime my mind wanders, it's filled with thoughts of Hiccup. When I ask myself what is one thing I need the most in the world, the answer is Hiccup.
It's taken everything away from me.. and the purpose could not be any better, but I wish there were no purpose. I wish I had never decided to be a surrogate last year. I wish I had never been inseminated with Rick's sperm and I wish Hiccup were never born into this situation. I wish he were born into my arms and my life.. forever.
In a way I guess he was.. He will forever be a part of my life. When my life ends, I will find peace in the fact that Hiccup will never be out of my sight, I can watch over him always. And I will. I will.