2003-01-22 at 9:15 a.m.
Right, so it all comes down to not wanting to put it here because she will read it, but tough luck, eh? That's what a diary is for.
I hate these mixed feelings about her. I hate that there are days why I have to ask myself why we are over. I hate that sometimes I wish we could have a future together. I hate that I KNOW it's not possible. Her and I, we get along really well online, but when it comes to getting together in person, that's when everything falls apart.
So since I know this, why can't I just accept it?
We've been through a lot, her and I. Probably so much that if the outside world saw everything, they would be asking us how the fuck we still even talk to each other, but every time we faught and everytime we weren't talking to each other, I wished we were. I waited and waited for her to email me or hint that she wanted us to talk again, and she's told me that she feels the same way.
So why, when I look at my future and see her in it, do I have to correct myself?
Why am I so fucking deadset that it wouldn't ever work for us?
I don't fucking know why and I don't know why it's bothering me so much today.
I know yesterday played a factor. It would have been our one year anniversary, oh big fucking whoo, right? Well it was to me and it seems I was the only one who it meant anything to. The way yesterday panned out, said a lot and I hate that.
Shit or get off the pot, that's a good analogy for today. Shit or get off the fucking POT!
I don't want to feel anymore. It's dumb.
I felt too much with Clare, which was really stupid of me. That relationship was doomed from the start, but I did love her.. with everything I had. My whole heart, my whole soul, everything. She took it all from me on our four month anniversary. Everything I had flew out the window faster than I could catch any of it.
So yeah, the 25th of every month my gut wrenches and I get desperately sad. I think "Wow, it could have been __ months today." But it's not, it's just shit.
You'd think all of this would stop me from ever loving again, but it hasn't. But I wish it did.
You know if you break a worm in half, it will grow into two worms? Thats kinda like my heart. Anybody's heart. It may be good on one part, but the hidden part is it's dirty and slimy, just like love.