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2004-11-18 at 9:22 a.m.
So, Clare.. this is my life...

how about something like Jesse, for boy or girl?

We thought no more J names. It was just coincidence that Jon and Josh both started with a J, it wasn't intentional. We think that.. while Jon and Josh both have names that start with a J and if this little one didn't, that he/she might feel left out, but we also think.. 3 J names might be a little bit silly? You are right, though. We have considered having a name that would work with either a boy or a girl so we could call the baby by it's name before it's born, but we find out the gender in just 2 weeks and I don't know that we could even come up with a unisex name before then!

Or, Jason for a boy... Jara for a girl?

I like Jacob! I also like Jayden, like Kayden, which would be good for either gender. I have a problem with associating names with people from my past and there was this really dorky, ugly guy in high school names Jason... Haha!

Wish you'd tell me more about what's going on girl, why don't you talk to me anymore?

I don't intentionally keep stuff from you! It has been a long time since we've corresponded. You know when you get to that point in life where there is just TOO much to explain? Not to mention, there are probably some things that people who KNOW me, like you, would not like and would think I was stupid for. Of course, not that it can change anything, but you know.

Having Hiccup made me take a good hard look back at my life.. and it made me realize what I had and what I was missing. This made me want what I was missing and want what I could have that I did not have. I didn't feel like my family was complete and my children did not feel it, either. I didn't only want another baby, but I wanted.. real life. I wanted a partner.. and a "family" and a life. I wanted someone to come home to and someone to come home to me.

So... I found that again.

While I feel that Hiccup is still my son and will always be my son whether he has a different father than "MY" 3 children, I did need a baby to raise. I needed a baby to nurse for longer than 2 days. I needed a baby whose diapers I could change until he/she transitioned into potty training. I need a baby whose head I can stroke forever.. and not have that be limited by time. Don't get me wrong, Clare, I can STILL feel Hiccup's silky hair under my fingers. I can feel it beneath my fingers from when I reached to touch his head before he was born... while he was still covered in vernix from his time in my womb, the greasiness of it making my fingers sticky. Then I can feel it after his first bath, where most of it was washed out and his hair was spikey.. a little of the greasiness remained.. and I can still feel that, too. I can feel it from when it was washed clean.. and was just filled with the innocence of baby shampoo and baby.. existence... I need to have that forever beneath my fingers and not just forever beneath my heart. It IS beneath my heart, it's in my soul. Hiccup will ALWAYS be my soul.. and I welcome that.

My kids need a tiny little someone who they can hold in their arms. They need to be able to kiss this little one every day before they go to school and GO to school KNOWING that this baby will be here when they get home. They, like me, have a void that needs to be filled.. and the only way to fill it is with this brand new little life.

I have no doubts.. and I have no regrets. This is what we need.. and it's what we love, what we've loved so long.. even since before it came into our lives we have loved this little being.. and we are very lucky!

So, Clare.. this is my life... and it is so, so, sooo damn good.

Tell me about you. How are you?

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