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2004-12-04 at 6:20 p.m.

I don't know what to do with myself or what to do with the emotions of this all.

I had my U/S today and Tanya and I found out that I'm carrying another little boy. I couldn't be more thrilled with the news but at the same time I am torn apart.

Chris wouldn't come to the ultrasound because Tanya was coming. He doesn't understand that Tanya not only is my sister, but she's like.. my best friend. She's the person who has been there for me over the past few years more than anyone else. She's held me up when I was falling and she's the only one.

She gave me strength through losing Hiccup and she.. I just know that sometimes my days would not go on without her.

So Chris felt that since this was his first ultrasound that... I will get the messages off my phone...

my phone is on silent didnt hear it and you knew that this was going to be my first time you would think that you would ask me to see if i didnt mind

then it was...

and sometimes you make me mad when you dont think i dont want to talk about this any more cos i an already hurt

and also...

yes i know that your family is a big part of your life but you would think that i would be up there too if not a little more when it comes to this


you make me feel not apart of this

What the fuck?

So here I am, knowing about this sweet little boy and Chris doesn't even give a fuck. He left before I even got home and just finally came home 3 hours later.. only to pick a fight. It's like he doesn't even want to know or doesn't care enough to know.

He's all pissed off at me and hiding in the bedroom so I am just going to take the boys and leave.

I don't know what I can do. Why can't he carry the same excitement as me? Why can't he realize that life isn't always about him, but it's about everyone, including me?

Tanya wasn't at the U/S today because SHE wanted to be there, she was there because I wanted.. NEEDED... her there. I wanted Chris there, too. I wanted him to see his little boy and see how real and beautiful he is. He wouldn't though because life always has to be about him and he wanted to be alone.

I guess I will show him "alone."

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